November 9, 2003
Went for a walk this morning and heard the five most dreaded words a husband can ever hear: “We need to talk about something.” Okay, it’s really six words, but who’s counting when one of the true horrors of life comes crashing down on the serenity of a beautiful day?

Turns out yesterday morning I was eating cereal and someone I know (okay, it’s Kathy) came into the kitchen to politely ask me if I was going to help her get the house ready for company. This is her version.

Here’s what I heard her say: “Get up right now, stop eating and stop being so lazy, You never help me, our marriage has been totally one-sided with me doing all the work, all the time. You are a loser and always will be.”

My wife denies this, of course, and claims I snapped at her and said, “I’m eating breakfast for God’s sake. Get away from me and go do it yourself.”

What I remember saying is: “I have always loved and respected you Kathy. If you’ll give me just a moment to try and eat a healthy meal, which just might ward off potential blood clots that could kill me in a heartbeat, I’ll do whatever arduous work you are demanding of me, even if it damages my fragile health.”

We continued walking and talking and on the way back we came to our usual impasse, but we did agree on one thing: the five most dreaded words a husband can ever hear are “We need to talk about something.”

“I know what terrorism is. I was married for two years.”
—Sam Kinnison