May 5, 2010
Mark Boardman is doing our upcoming cover story on the Billy the Kid dig and what happened (it's probably the most oft asked question I get: "What the hell happened on that Billy the Kid dig?"). He and I thought it might make a cool sidebar to ask all the Billy buffs we know what questions they would ask the boy legend— assuming he was dug up and could talk— and then, utilizing the expert's knowledge of the outlaw lad, to answer the questions.

Got this back from England yesterday:

Q: Where were you born?
A: St. Louis, Missouri. Don't you guys ever check census records?

Q: What was your father's name?
A: Henri Charrière. I used to call him Papi.

Q: Who shot Sheriff Brady?
A: That German guy, Widenmann.

Q: If Dick Brewer was still alive what would you say to him?
A: Duck, Dick.

Q: Where was that tintype photo of you taken?
A: I never had my picture taken in my life.

Q: Did Morris Bernstein say anything before he died?
A: Oy veh.

Q: Just exactly what was your relationship with seventeen year old Paulita Maxwell?
A: We used to do needlework together. What are you, f***ing dumb or something?

Q: Do you think you should have got the pardon Lew Wallace promised you?
A: I got people working on that. Watch this space.
—Fred Nolan

Some of these answers are way inside jokes, but probably not far from what Billy might actually say. For example. The German guy Widenmann was in the corral the day Sheriff Brady was shot, although he later claimed to be feeding a dog when the shooting started. But Widenmann was a first class weasle so the fact that Billy, I mean Fred, would nail his ass to the barn door is just about perfect.

There's more, but I suggest you go read a book on Billy so you can laugh even more.

And, if you have a question, or two, for Billy, let's hear 'em.

"In the end, everything is a gag."
—Charlie Chaplain