Friday, December 05, 2025

Dad Jokes Galor All Beyond Hope

December 5, 2025

   Going over to Wickenburg this morning to see all the latest goings on at the newly named Sigler Museum. Should be fun.

Return of The Sivulogi!

Daily Whip Out: "Dust Devil Incarnate"

The Sinagua In-dins called dust devils "sivulogi," and the word was uttered in a hushed whisper, out of respect, because they believed dust devils are evil spirits emerging from the ground.


Warning: Dad Joke Ahead!

   A short psychic just broke out of prison. Be on the lookout for a small medium at large. 

   Coming soon from Boze Studios. . .

Beyond Hope

   Open on a seen-better-days shack on the edge of the Mojave Desert. A van is parked outside with a sign on the side that says, “La Paz County Indigent Services Department."

   Inside is a hoarder’s nest of Boomer ephemera and an old hipster with white hair and beard sitting on a lawn chair in the middle of it all.

   A prim and professional female attendant with a clipboard says slowly: “Can you please state your name and where you are from?”

   “I am but a traveler in the cosmos. My name is unimportant.

   “Who is the president of the United States?”

   “Some guy who shouldn’t be president of the United States.”

   “Do you remember your wife’s name?”

   “Which one?”

   “Can you recite your favorite song lyric?”

   “Hey mama, look at me, I’m on my way to the Promise Land. . .”

   “How long have you been living here?”

   “Long enough to know not to talk to government officials!”

   “Have you had feelings of depression in the past?”

   “Yes, I once was forced to watch CSPAN”

   The attendant pulls up her phone, hits speed dial and after a pause, says: "We're gonna need a couple handlers out here with restraining equipment."


"You can't trust atoms. They make up everything."

—Old Vaquero Dad Saying

Wednesday, December 03, 2025

Get Ready for A Whole Lot of True In The Next True West

December 3, 2025

   Got up to go out and get the newspaper at the end of the driveway and spied this across the road.

Another Ridiculous Sunrise
Over Ratcliff Ridge 

   I know what you're thinking: "BBB is still getting a newspaper delivered to his house?" Yes, as a matter of fact, I get two newspapers delivered to my house and it's worth every penny of the $1,700 a year it costs to feed and clothe those delivery people.

   Meanwhile, got this from my favorite little Aussie Bastard:


An Arizona trapper and his dog, late 1880s

   "I swear to God that is you and Uno in a previous life."

—James B. Mills

 Final Illustration
    U.S. Marshal Dick Speed steps out from the doorway of Light's Blacksmith shop and asks a local kid, "Who is that rider?" The boy replies, "Why, that's Bitter Creek!" Seeing the outlaw fill his hands, Speed jerks his Winchester to his shoulder and fires.

Daily Whip Out:
"Dick Speed Takes Aim #4"

Is It True That True Is In The Next True West?
True that!

   Not long after the Covid shutdown, we here at the magazine were stressed to the gills in a challenging media landscape, and our editor, Stuart Rosebrook, recommended we go to an Arizona dude ranch and recharge. Long story short, our stay at the White Stallion Guest Ranch was a revelation and a wonderful getaway in our own back yard. Ever since I have been a fan of, and a believer in the "simplicity of living" you get from the dude ranch experience. And, coming full circle, we have chosen as our recipient for the True Westerner Award this year to a guy named True. I kid you not.

   Also, as you probably know by now, our great pard Marshall Trimble has retired (he's 86) and he gave us his blessing to continue the column with the stipulation that we assign it to someone who loves the subject matter and knows what they are talking about. I think we made the, ahem, right move. Details in the issue going to press next Tuesday.

Uno In The Shade

"Why did Uno sit in the shade? Because he didn't want to be a hot dog."
—Old Vaquero Humor

Tuesday, December 02, 2025

Ladies We Helped You Pick Up Men And You Are Welcome Plus The Wildest Ringo Theory Yet

 December 2, 2025

   Well, it's been almost fifty years since we published this cover, and I must say, it helped so many women I know find a mate. True, some of the headlines haven't aged well. . .

   It was pretty damn funny at the time. Speaking of humor gone awry. . . This morning a message went out to Razz band members everywhere: "I have some good news and I've got some bad news: we're getting the Razz band back together for a non-paying gig in Seligman next April.

   "Okay, I lied. There is no good news."

The original Razz band, circa '79
   That is, of course, a snotty joke. Promising a gig with no pay is just the biggest No-No you can ever say to a musician. It's not even one bit funny.
   Sorry. We actually have a potential gig coming up on old Route 66 in Selgiman. Going to be a big one.

The Reformed Razz Band, 2024
(in the Palace Bar, Whiskey Row,
 Prescott, Arizona)

   Why is it that the craziest conspiracy theories are the easiest to believe?

"The last book on Ringo I read said the freighter that found Ringo was the one who killed him as he knew him in as an opponent in the Mason County War. He shot him while he was asleep and when he saw Ringo's body hadn't been discovered the following day he rose the alarm."

—Anonymous

Sunday, November 30, 2025

Snuggling In With The Unocito And Dick Speed Finally Takes Aim

 November 30, 2025

   Built a fire in the house fireplace last night and we all snuggled in and stared at the fire for about an hour. No TV, just watched the dancing flames, and listened to the popping sparks of joy.

A Two-Box Night

   Yes, it took two empty Amazon boxes for fire fodder to get it going, but once it was going, it was a snuggly thing. Which reminds me of one of the most obtuse and clever band names ever: Three Dog Night, which referred to such a cold night you needed three dogs on the bed to keep warm. One final note: they sure evaporated into nothingness, in spite of several humongous hits: "Joy to The World," "Eli's Comin'" and "One (Is The Loneliest Number)." What the hell happened to Three Dog Night?

   Finally got untracked on a new version of the opening of the legendary Ingall's Oklahoma gunfight.

Daily Whip Out Study:
"Dick Speed Takes Aim"

  

"Don't give up on your dreams—keep sleeping!"

—Old Vaquero Saying

Saturday, November 29, 2025

More Ringo Demise Opinions

 November 29, 2025

   He was found with brain matter running down his cheek by a wood hauler's dog.

Ringo Sitting Silently In The Bough of A Tree

       And the opinions keep rolling in:

  "Ringo was, in my opinion, targeted and murdered. The timing is suspect, the opportunity present, and the motive crystal. To say Wyatt himself did it is a bit on the nose, though. Wyatt didn’t have to. He had friends in all the right places. To say Ringo’s wound was self-inflicted is to give the man too much credit. Death was at his doorstep, sure… and he’d seen how TB could turn a man’s lights off, but I don’t know of anyone who ever took their boots off before meeting their maker. Hat, perhaps. Boots, never."
—Janelle Molony, author of Birds Gone Wild (And Other Stories of Arizona Ostrich Ranching).

 

   "I’m not going to speculate on Ringo’s death, for that’s exactly what it would be, speculation. However, I will point out that the Tombstone Epitaph reported that those 'intimately acquainted' with Ringo were equally divided as to whether the Cowboy was murdered or took his own life. So it is today, but now with historians and buffs in place of Ringo’s associates. If we had an eyewitness to Ringo’s death, things would be different. Then again, hundreds of people witnessed the Kennedy assassination – and we even have film footage of it – and yet that event remains one of the most controversial in American history. Quién sabe."

—Mark Lee Gardner, author of Brothers of the Gun: Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday, and a Reckoning in Tombstone (Dutton Books, 2025)

"He said he was as certain of being killed as he was of living then. He said that he might run along for a couple years more, and may not last two days."
—Sam Purdy, of The Tombstone Epitaph

Friday, November 28, 2025

Experts Weigh In: Murder or Suicide In The Case of One John Ringo

 November 28 2025

   Okay, I asked for it, and I got it: some of my favorite passionate history hounds weighing in on whether John Ringo committed suicide, or was he murdered? Here are my favorite responses, so far:

Daily Whip Out: "John Ringo's Last Bender"


Based On The Evidence: Suicide or Murder?

"In my opinion, the evidence is overwhelming that Ringo shot himself, though I think there is a minuscule chance of another shooter. My main goal was to determine if Wyatt Earp could have killed him, and I am convinced that did not happen."
—Casey Tefertiller, author of "Wyatt Earp: The Life Behind the Legend" 

"Perhaps we'll never know for sure, but given what we currently do know - from the positioning of the body to Ringo's condition and state of mind at the time - the reasonable conclusion is that the gentleman took his own life. Reasonable conclusions are never definitive, and can, of course, change with new evidence or considerations. But that's the current story I'm stickin' to." 
—James Townsend, host of the new podcast "Forever West"

"Having suffered bipolar depression exacerbated by drinking, I'm convinced Ringo killed himself. He showed all the signs, including the threats to commit suicide.  I understand the case against...but that ignores his state of mind at the time."

—Mark Boardman, editor of The Tombstone Epitaph

"Don't ever let the facts get in the way of a good story."

—Old Vaquero Saying

Thursday, November 27, 2025

Happy Thanksgiving from Uno Plus Heayweight Tombstone Historians Weigh In On John Ringo's Death

 November 27, 3035

   Happy Thanksgiving from Uno and his wrecking crew. I don't know why, but the boy loves to hear scary stories. 

"And did they ever refind

the self-filling doggie bowl?"


The Wandering Scholarship Behind The Death of Johnny Ringo

   A couple decades ago, it seemed as if the John Ringo death case was closed with most historians buying the verdict that the enigmatic outlaw had given up and offed himself in the bough of a Blackjack Oak tree. This is how I portrayed it in my three books on the subject (Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and Classic Gunfights II: the 25 Gunfights Behind The O.K. Corral). Now, a couple historians and a historian who is a part-time gardener have weighed in with a different take and turned in a mixed verdict. Let's take a new look at a very old case. For starters, it wasn't a Blackjack Oak Ringo was found in. Or, so asserts historian, musician and plant afficianado, Greg Scott, who claims, "Blackjack Oak (Quercus marilandica) don’t naturally grow in Arizona. It was the very common Emory Oak (Quercus emoryi). Emorys are often called blackjack but technically aren’t."

One Earp Historian Makes A Bold Claim

   "Although the monsoon rains had cooled the countryside, Johnny Ringo’s whisky was still too hot for Billy Breakenridge as they exchanged greetings at South Pass. After a weeklong Tombstone spree, Johnny rode on the heavily traveled road to Galeyville. He stopped near a ranch house on Turkey Creek. There he was found under an oak tree on the river bench. A bullet had gone through his head from lower right to upper left and part of his scalp was gone as if cut by a knife. His feet were wrapped in his still clean, torn undershirt. His cartridge belt was on upside down and his pistol clasped in his hand caught in his suspenders. His boots were found later hung from the saddle of his horse. 

Daily Whip Out:
"John Ringo Found Sitting In The Bough of A Quercus Emoryi"
(note the teamster's dog sniffing at the dead body)

   "The neighbors gathered quickly and, less than interested in a trip toTombstone, composed an untrained 'coroner’s jury' ruling death a suicide. Ringo, still drunk or hungover, after a long, hot ride sought the first water for himself and his horse. Not wanting to ruin his boots, he hung them from the saddle, and he and his mount waded into Turkey Creek to refresh themselves. Something startled the horse, bear, mountain lion, or man, which bolted. Johnny climbed the steep bank, stripped off his undershirt, and redressed himself, getting the cartridge belt on upside down, wrapping his feet in torn undershirt to protect them during the search for his pony. As he sat binding his feet, a man approached from the creek below. Ringo reached for his pistol and was shot dead.

   "Billy 'the Kid' Claiborne claimed Buckskin Frank Leslie had slain his friend. The rancher’s son said he’d spoken to Frank who was following Johnny. Raconteur bartender Buckskin Frank had little claim to being a scout and taking Johnny’s scalp might have enhanced his image while, on consideration, he’d have feared retribution from Ringo’s friends and been loathe to display it."

—Doug Hocking, author of "Southwest Train Robbers"

   Meanwhile, One Earp expert Stands Firm

"The coroner's jury ruled that John Ringo's death was a suicide.  Many people refused to believe that the King of the Cowboys  had taken his own life.  However, various yarns that claimed, variously, that he had been slain by Wyatt Earp or Doc Holliday, had no basis in fact.  Contemporary newspaper and court records show that Wyatt and Doc were both in Colorado when Ringo died.  Deputy Sheriff Billy Breakenridge later provided the most probable account of his demise, saying that Ringo 'had been overcome with the whiskey he had drunk and had got off his horse, taken off his boots and hung them over his saddle, and lain down and gone to sleep. His horse became thirsty and got away from him and started for water.' The deputy added, 'When Ringo awoke, he must have been crazed for water and started out afoot. He was within sound of running water when he became crazed with thirst and killed himself.'"

—John Boessenecker, author of "Ride The Devil's Herd: Wyatt Earp's Epic Battle Against The West's Biggest Outlaw Gang"

   So, where do you weigh in? I am curious if you buy the coroner's jury that it was a suicide? Or, do you believe someone, perhaps Buckskin Frank Leslie, got him? And please, only one joke about Doc getting him because you saw it in the movie "Tombstone." Okay, two, but that's it. I have to draw the line somewhere. Thank you.

Hutton has claimed that any artist who portrays the Kid with buck-teeth is portraying Bonney as a villain. 

   And, so, I asked the Distinguished Professor to elaborate on this wild claim:

"The orthodontic issue is most prevalent in comic books where bad Billys always appear as buck-toothed and doltish (they go together--Bugs Bunny aside). Otherwise Billy looks like a cross between Robert Taylor and Paul Newman."
—Paul Andrew Hutton