November 21, 2004
Woke up to rain. Drizzled and misted all day. Big, rolling thunder at about six. Buddy scratching on the door. Kathy pokin' me to go take care of "my dog." I muttered, "It's your dog who's a little baby." She got up in a huff, but sure enough it was the little Hatkiller scratching at the door and whining. Kathy in her mother-wisdom mode, closed the blinds and went back to sleep.

I got up at seven and made bacon and eggs, read the paper, then slogged out to get firewood. Built two fires, one in the studio stove and the other in the house fireplace. Stoked them all day. Feels real good.

Went for a bike ride at about ten. Misting, felt like Rain-in-the-face. Met my neighbor Bob, a retired airline piolot, on the road who was coming back from his daughter's place with a section of picket fence in the back of his pickup. I asked him what he was going to do with it and he said he was just going to burn it. "Could you drop it off at my house for a few days?" I asked. "I'm doing a painting where four guys are walking past a picket fence and I want to see how the shadows fall on their legs, looking from the inside of the fence." He looked at me like I'm crazy and laughed (I think he seriously loves living down the street from a weirdo, artist type).

Got some good painting done. I think I've nailed the cover for my new book. Still full of doubt. Need to sleep on it. And speaking of whining, I wish I could have a posting where I write, "Woke up with supreme confidence, whipped out several paintings, all of them exactly as I pictured in my head. My skills are supreme and I am a God among the painterly." Or, something like that.

Unfortunately it's doubt and more doubt and muddy despair. And don't forget flailing. I do have to admit that sometimes I'll see something I did in the past and go, "Wow! I actually did that. Amazing." I'll remember thinking it was pure doo-doo at the time, but it ain't bad. How did I get that cloud effect? I don't know. But more often than not it's, "Man I wish I had that one back. I can't believe I let that one out of my sight."

Finished working about 4:30, cleaned up and started dinner. Deena's gone, moved into her new condo. House seems kind of empty, again.

"The best of all things is to learn. Money can be lost or stolen, health and strength may fail, but what you have committed to your mind is yours forever."
—Louis L'Amourh