Thursday, February 16, 2006

February 16, 2006
Yesterday at five, Kathy picked me up at the True West World Headquarters and drove me down to Saba’s Western Store (not to be confused with Saba’s Greek Food Restaurant which we also frequent) on Carefree Highway to buy me some Valentine’s Day Wranglers. Our style editor, Jane Bischoff, is going to get me some free Wranglers in exchange for my endorsement (something I’m not real comfortable doing), but I thought I’d better go try on a few pair to see what I liked best. Then when Kathy said she wanted to treat me, so, like a typical guy, I thought, "Hey, free clothes!"

I picked out two pair: The Original Cowboy Cut 13 MWZ, 100% cotton, heavyweight denim, and a Boot Cut "Authentic" 935 Slim Fit, heavy weight denim, easy care-shrink resistant. When we got the jeans up to the counter, Kathy noticed a sale sign that offered a third pair of Wranglers for free, if you buy two pair. So I picked out a third pair: a black pair of Wrangler jeans, all of them 36 waist and 34 length.

When I tried on the slim fit Wrangler jeans and came out of the dressing room, the clerk sighed and told me she had never witnessed such a total transformation in a guy. I was “somehow bigger” in certain areas, she told me, leaning against the counter, trying to catch her breath. Later, while driving back to Cave Creek, we stopped at a light and a truck driver in the next lane said pretty much the same thing (he was higher and looking down into our car, although, in the interest of full disclosure, Kathy heard him say, he “had never seen a bigger a-- hole,” but I choose to go with the more positive image). Yes, my Wranglers fit firmly and make me feel somehow more virile and successful.

Some people, such as older adults (i.e. someone who remembers the Bay of Pigs) should start with trainer pants. Wrangler is the official pro rodeo competition jeans and should be worn by persons much younger than the above mentioned geezer. Wrangler is not recommended for use on persons who have a torn retina, or consistently fail to clean up after their dogs. Tell your doctor if you are pregnant, trying to become pregnant or suspect you are pregnant. Otherwise, it’s safe to have the above wearer help you get pregnant. He is a licensed Baby Wrangler. You can wear Wranglers every day, in the evening, with or without food. If you miss a day wearing Wrangler, do not wear an extra pair. Just resume your usual schedule. If your stomach rolls off the sides of the pants more than two inches, ask your doctor if you need diet information. Continue following a cholesterol-lowering diet while wearing your Wranglers. Keep wearing Wrangler unless your doctor tells you to stop. Your doctor may do blood tests to check your liver before you put on your pants, or during the day, or, while riding side saddle. The following side effects have been reported by baby boomers while wearing Wranglers: swelling of the face, lips, tongue. Slim Fit jeans may cause difficulty in swallowing, rash, hives, joint pain, liver problems, inflammation of the pancreas, nausea, gallstones, inflammation of the gall bladder. This summarizes the most important information about geezers in Wrangler jeans. If you would like more information, talk with your doctor. Or, maybe not.

Tombstone Gun Handling Feedback
“Bob, having Joey Dillon break down the gun-cup spinning scene from
‘Tombstone’ sounds too cool! It's this kind of thinking that keeps True
West ahead of the pack!"
—Mark Kilburn, Maniac 235

Huffines Translation
—Alan Huffines

”What is told in the ear of a man is often heard 100 miles away.”
—Old Vaquero Saying

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