January 22, 2005
This morning I started early and hauled at least three tons of rock by hand up to the Spanish driveway project (according to the woman at PV Rock, a ton of river rock fills a bathtub). Retrieved most of them from our land.
"Mr. Bell, when you say you retrieved most of these rocks from your land, are you telling the truth?"
"Yes. Most of them came from our property."
"And that is the truth?"
"Yes, I always try to tell the truth."
"Mr. Bell, I'm going to quote from a so-called blog you write. In it you say you are buying an 'enlarger pump,' and you imply you hid the purchase from your wife, while she was sedated. Is that a fair statement?"
"Well, yes, but it was meant as hyperbole."
“Would you define 'hyperbole' for the jury?"
"I think it means 'obvious exaggeration."
"So you were exaggerating when you said you bought a penis pump."
"Well, of course."
"You never bought one did you, Mr. Bell?"
"No. I just thought it was a funny situation."
"So you were lying about it, weren't you Mr. Bell?"
"No. I mean, I guess you could see it that way, but I don't look at it that way."
"So when you say you got most of the rocks from your own land, is that hyperbole?"
"No. It's the truth."
"Here are some photos taken by one of your neighbors. In these photos are you on your own property?"
"I think I am."
"Here is a Global Positioning photo of your property and X marks the spot where you were photographed bending over. Wouldn't you admit that in this photo you are outside the boundary lines of your property?"
"Well, it is a funny angle. Maybe I'm tying my shoe."
"More hyperbole, Mr. Bell? You appear to be holding something in your hand, about waist high. Could you please tell the jury what that is?"
"A penis pump?"
"The prosecution rests, your Honor."
"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."
—Old Vaquero Sayingy
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