April 10, 2008
Spent all morning at the heart doctors. Tired. The news was all good. Chest X-rays showed major healing and breathing tests (46% capacity currently).

Stopped by Betty Radina's on the way back and had lunch with her. Kathy drove me home.

Restarted my six sketches a day last week. Pretty weak drawings, but I'm back at
it. Have a cover painting due on the 20th. Need to get back on that.

The therapy session yesterday was good. I haven't been in a Lutheran church in thirty years but I still carry around the guilt. Didn't even realize it until the therapist asked me how I feel about missing the gig. Guilty. How I feel about surviving. Guilty. It went on, but I won't bore you with it. Pretty pathetic (as you can see I feel guilty about feeling guilty). Talked a bit about reclaiming my life and what I would like the second half to resemble, which in a nutshell is: less naked ambition more reconciliation with the people I love. We talked about forgiveness and I said I had pretty much forgiven everyone except one of my ex-partners, and I'm working on that one.

Meanwhile, got this advice from a school teacher in Denton, Texas:

"My husband had a triple bypass, and medicos said 'look out, your life will chance, he will change, he'll suffer from depression big time.'
He never did.

"Of course docs also found really advanced throat cancer from 40 years of smoking.
Tell Kathy- I was very positive and up all the time. I refused to let him feel sorry for himself or feel helpless. You seem pretty strong willed on the blog and may not have a problem.

"I made him make decisions and be a part of his illness. I think it really helped his moods. We laughed a lot and continued on with life. He lived at least a year longer than anyone thought he would.

"But he made it through the heart surgery like a champ - so did his 65 year old brother and 80 year old uncle who are still going strong. (Could heredity have an influence here? duh! You might warn your children to get check ups around that age.)
I guess the moral to this story is good attitude, good nutrition, don't smoke...
and, have a good woman to kick your a** if you get too wonkie."
—Marilyn Stevens

"One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning."
—James Russell Lowell