October 10, 2007 Bonus Bonus Bonus Blog
Since I ran a quote two days ago, I've had so many requests to run an excerpt from Stephen Colbert's new book (okay it was two, Kathy and Meghan). Here it is:
"It's time to impregnate this country with my mind.
"See, at one time America was pure. Men were men, women were women, and gays were 'confirmed bachelors.' But somewhere around the late 60's, it became 'groovy' to 'let it all hang out' while you 'kept on truckin'' stopping only to 'give a hoot.' And today, Lady Liberty is under attack from the cable channels, the internet blogs, and the Hollywood celebritocracy, out there spewing 'facts' like so many locusts descending on America's crop of ripe, tender values. And as any farmer or biblical scholar will tell you, locusts are damn hard to get rid of.
"I said on the very first episode of The Colbert Report that, together, I was going to change the world, and I've kept up my end of the bargain. But it's not changing fast enough. Last time I checked my supermarket still sold yogurt. From France! See a pattern? Turns out, it takes more than thirty minutes a night to fix everything that's destroying America, and that's where this book comes in. It's not just some collection of reasoned arguments supported by facts. That's the coward's way out.
"This book is Truth. My Truth.
"I deliver my Truth hot and hard. Fast and Furious. So either accept it without hesitation or get out of the way, because somebody might get hurt, and it's not going to be me.
"Think you can handle it?
"I'm scared of Koreans.
"Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it.
"Baby carrots are trying to turn me gay.
"See? I'm not pulling any punches. I'm telling it like it is. Get used to it or put this book down. Because this book is for America's Heroes. And who are the Heroes? The people who bought this book. That bears repeating. People who borrow this book are not Heroes. They are no better then welfare queens mooching off the system like card-carrying library card-carriers. For the record, we're not offering this book to libraries. No free rides."
—Stephen Colbert, I Am America (And So Can You)
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