Guilty As Charged

September 28, 2018
   Here is how I would have handled that hearing.

Confirmation Hearing for BBB

Senator: "Mr. Bell are you happy with the huevos rancheros we imported for you from Sophia's in Gila Bend, Arizona?"

BBB: "Yes, I very much appreciate the food gesture of good will."

Senator: "Perhaps someday you will try some authentic Mexican food from my great state of New Mexico."

BBB: "In my opinion, any state where the vast majority of Mexican food restaurants serve store bought tortillas cannot in good conscious call itself authentic in any way."

Senator: "Are you a virgin, Mr. Bell?"

BBB: "No, sir, I am not."

Senator: "Do you remember when it happened that you lost your virginity?"

BBB: "It was April 14, 1964."

Senator: "Can you be more specific?"

BBB: "Yes, it was at a place called White Cliffs, which is a favorite parking spot about one-half mile north of the Kingman, Arizona Courthouse. And it was in a 1964 Nash Rambler."

Senator: "So you lost your virginity in the back seat of an old car?"

BBB: "No, it was a brand new car, and the front seat folded down into a bed."

Senator: "Back in those days, would you consider yourself a gentleman?"

BBB: "No, sir, I was a complete horndog and I thought about nothing else but getting laid for years on end."

Senator: "Would you say you were selective in who you attempted to sleep with?"

BBB: "Anything that moved, sir."

Senator: "Do you believe in God, Mr. Bell?"

BBB: "I believe in the teachings of Squibe, Moon and Nay."

Senator: "Do they subscribe to the teachings of Jesus Christ?"

BBB: "No, sir, they are Haulapai In-dins but they do take the name of Jesus in vain quite a bit."

Senator: "And what do these Native Americans espouse?"

BBB: "Moon likes to say: 'What if I told you the left wing and the right wing are from the same bird.'"

Senator: "I think it's safe to say you have no business being a Supreme Court Justice."

BBB: "Truer words were never spoken."

Senator: "Any last words?"

BBB: "Yes, good luck with that frat brat."