Monday, January 17, 2022

Warning: Colon Hydrotherapy Potty Humor Ahead

 January 17, 2022

   Well, I survived the Colon Hydrotherapy session yesterday but I will tell you it was a sitstorm from start to finish. 

Shades of Mister Pee Pee Head!

   Warning: there's even more juvenile, potty humor ahead, but for your reading protection I have changed out the offensive scatalogical slang for feces with the word "sit" so you can get the full bowel moving effect of my hilarious, anal probing experience, but not, I hope, sit your pants. 

   First off, here is what the spa brochure says about the procedure: "Colon hydrotherapy is a simple, safe and convenient treatment, taking up to 45 minutes. Cleanses and rehydrates to detoxify and tone the peristatic muscles of the large intestines. FDA approved, closed system, professional equipment means there is no mess or smell and your therapist will work discreetly, always protecting your safety and dignity."

   All true. I should also say that my therapist is the director of the spa here at the resort and she was quite calming, professional and funny. When it was over, she said, "Well, how was it?" and I quipped, "Quite impactful." I thought that was pretty clever, but she rolled her eyes and I immediately realized she has probably heard every crap joke in the history of the world—every single day. So I asked her to name a couple of colon groaners and she laughed and offered me this, "Well, I guess I'm not as full of sit as everyone says," and "I'd rate this as a number two." Oh, man, wish I had thought of that one, or two, as the case may be, but as you can see there are some funny crappers, besides myself, who have done this. She also confessed to me Colon Hydrotherapy changed her life. She told me she used to be high strung and angry and when she did a colon cleanse "ten times in a row," so much of her anger and stress just fell away. I totally bought this, but I just can't quite get passed the "ten times in a row" part.

   The words ass and hole are never used. The catchall term is "speculum," which, at first, gives it a confusing nomenclature: "You want me to insert the tube in my speculum?" And then when she applies the lubricant, you know exactly where the speculum is going. And speculum apparently is an instrument for dilating a body cavity to permit examination of its interior.

   As for the sensation of the experience, you know that feeling you get in your lower body when you have eaten something bad and you are concerned you are not going to make it the bathroom in time. It's that feeling for 45 minutes.

   Honestly, I felt better for having done it, but on the scale of things I have enjoyed on this vacation, colon hydrotherapy would fall somewhere below driving on I-10 thru Palm Springs during rush hour. 

   No sit, Sherlock.

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

—Old Vaquero Saying

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